To the Jerk Who Borrowed Our Vintage California Republic Flag without Asking and Now Has to Give It Back:
This is your return notice.
It rained all day yesterday and so the flag was sopping wet and therefore left outside overnight. This opened the door for temptation, we realize. The flag was not installed all that high in the first place, let’s be honest, and when it hung straight down as it was want to do in sopping wet conditions, any reasonable-sized adult could have reached up and touched it with her fingertips, or make contact with a swat. Such displays of height and/or jumping prowess are appealing—for some, maybe even downright sexy. As sexy, even, as skipping little rocks way far deep into a pond.
Any way, no body’s going to be flirting that way any more, nor will they know from the corner that we are open because the flag is up, nor enjoy the way it caught the wind as they sit eating their afternoon pizza snack next door.
Our flag was stolen yesterday. Ripped out of the wall, holder and all.
Which makes us very sad.
We are offering a reward. $11.06, the date of our bereavement in clever monetary code, will be given in thanks for its safe return (with an added $20.09 if it is returned with its rad pointy stick in tact). No questions asked. Just bring it home safe to us. We’ve never seen another quite like it.
Hoping for a miracle,